16 Things I Wish I Could Tell my Pregnant Self About the Newborn Stage
In October 2020, I gave birth to my first child: a beautiful baby girl named Isla. During my pregnancy, I had invested a lot of time and energy into keeping myself healthy while my baby was growing inside of me and preparing for both childbirth and postpartum recovery. However, I had a pretty inflated perception of how prepared I was for a newborn. Here are the things I wish I could tell my pregnant self about the newborn stage, if only to help set some more realistic expectations:
Nothing can fully prepare you for this. For one year between college and grad school, I took care of infants full time in day care centers. I loved being with the babies so much, and I learned a lot about baby care. When I got pregnant years later, I remember telling a friend that I wasn’t too worried about baby care. How smug I was! I absolutely think that my experience with child care put me at an advantage when I had my own baby. But the overnight care is everything. Caring for a baby all day long, then all evening, then overnight, then again the next day while you are chronically sleep-deprived is no joke. I was not prepared for that and honestly I’m not sure that I could have been. Every baby is different and you can’t predict what kind of baby you’ll get!
Do not host visitors. If guests are not willing to help, they are just making it harder on you by visiting. I wish we had not allowed visitors for the first month. I was so exhausted from a long labor and my body was recovering, plus our baby didn’t sleep. The last thing I needed was to entertain. If you’re the assertive type (I am unfortunately not), ask that if family or friends visit, they bring food and help in a meaningful way, like by washing the dishes. Otherwise, it’s honestly just a burden. You need your rest.
Babies are not all the same. My daughter is a very light sleeper, just like her mama. Several people told me to make noise while she’s sleeping so that she would learn to sleep through it. Well, I am 31 years old and I can’t sleep through noise, and I have actually tried this method on myself. Some babies can sleep through noise, and some cannot. Some babies like to be bounced to sleep, others prefer to fall asleep in the car or stroller. Some babies have blue eyes, and others have brown eyes. You get the picture. There is no one size fits all anything when it comes to parenting. Parent the baby you have in a way that works for your family.
The baby will cry a lot in the evenings. Like, a lot. Why did no one tell me this? Isla cried every evening. We had to bounce her on an exercise ball or stand by a running faucet to soothe her. When I told my friends, they shared that they experienced this as well, and it’s just a phase you have to make it through. Thankfully it doesn’t last forever!
None of the other moms are doing everything “right” either. We have a tendency to show our best face to the world and make it seem like we have it all together. With all of the mom shaming, who could blame us for hiding our flaws? It can feel like everyone is following all of the rules and all of the other babies are so easy. It’s not true. We’re all figuring it out as we go. We all lose our cool. We all do things we swore we would never do because the baby just won’t go to sleep or just won’t stop crying. We all feel some resentment toward someone (our baby and/or our partner) during this challenging season. We’re all surviving!
Trust your intuition. In the first month or so, I was constantly googling ever little potential ailment or challenge for some answers. I got a ton of conflicting advice and was left feeling even more confused and overwhelmed. In the end, I realized that what was best for baby was what came naturally to me and what felt right. For example, picking up my baby whenever she cried always felt right. That NEVER felt wrong. Some online resources will say that baby needs to learn to self-soothe, but being consistently responsive is what feels natural to me.
Lean into your mama friends and be honest with them. I was so thankful to my many mama friends who reached out to me in the first few weeks, knowing what I was going through and lending their encouragement. It was always such a relief when I could share our struggles around sleep and the witching hour, and hear that they went through it, too—even if they didn’t have any surefire tips.
It doesn’t get much easier after two weeks. For some reason, I kept hearing it would get easier after two weeks. It absolutely did not. My sister was honest with me and told me it would get easier after three months, and that was much more accurate for us. I just kept telling myself that it would get easier once she started smiling—and it did! It helps when you start to feel some love from them.
Staying home with the baby will be more challenging than working outside the home. After all, this is the first time you’ve “worked” for someone who has been 100% dependent on you for survival! It may also not feel too rewarding at first, but once your baby starts interacting with you, there will be no comparison. I am grateful to be home with my baby girl every day, as I know that I am the best person in the world to care for her and I don’t want to miss so much of this time of her life. But it is certainly no vacation! It is both the most demanding and most rewarding job I’ve ever had. There are no days off. There aren’t even any nights off! It is exhausting and sometimes incredibly overwhelming, but there is nothing like watching her grow. I could never feel this kind of fulfillment working outside the home.
People need breaks and moms are people, too. It doesn’t mean you dislike your baby. In what other job are you expected to work around the clock, including overnight and weekends, with no breaks? None. Of course, being a mother is not purely a job. But it is a lot of work, it is exhausting on every level, and you can’t be expected to do it non-stop with a smile on your face and no sleep. You will not be your best self, the best mother, or the best wife. Create expectations around having breaks. Showering, cleaning, and cooking, do not count as breaks. I say if I can hear the baby crying it’s not a break. Do something to fill your cup. You are entitled to this time DAILY.
You may be used to seeing your hard work pay off in measurable results, but that doesn’t necessarily apply here. You may work really hard to get your baby to sleep and she may wake up 15 minutes later or not sleep at all. Know that there’s only so much you can control. What’s most important is that you are consistent and loving.
It will take you a week to accomplish the tasks that you used to be able to complete in an afternoon. This was so hard for me. I would have such a long to do list and it would just get longer. Reframe what it means to be productive. You’re producing a human!
You may lose the baby weight, but your body probably will not look or feel the way it used to. I had very high expectations for when my body would return to normal. Well, I’m six months postpartum and while my stomach has finally flattened quite a bit, I think my belly button may be permanently stretched out. I don’t know anyone who has said that their body actually returned to normal! After creating and birthing a person (which took nearly one year) plus the postpartum recovery, my body is forever changed. Put your mental energy toward accepting what is instead of harping on how it used to look.
Your life will revolve around baby’s sleep for a while. I didn’t make any commitments to anything—not so much as a phone call— during the newborn phase. You just never know when the baby might be ready for a nap! Suddenly, your nights are ending early, and you may want to go to bed whenever baby does so you can catch some sleep before waking up again. That’s ok. Sleep is paramount for you both.
It’s ok to mourn the loss of your old life, but don’t dwell on that for too long. This was one of the hardest parts for me. I honestly grieved the loss of my old life, my freedom to go literally anywhere by myself whenever I wanted, my old relationship with my husband, my old relationships with friends. I honestly dreamed about going to my boxing gym. I had to learn to be grateful for the wonderful experiences I had in that previous season of life and to accept what is in the current season.
You are the expert on your baby, and you are the mama your baby needs. So many people will try to give you advice—some of them may not even be parents themselves! Block out that noise and focus on your intuition. NOBODY knows your baby better than you do. This also means that you will need to learn to be more assertive and advocate for your baby’s needs.
For most of us, having a newborn is tough. There are a lot of emotions, you’re not sleeping much, and you’re going through the biggest identity shift of your life. Give yourself and your newborn lots of grace—you’re figuring out this new life together! Know that—for better or worse—this stage is only temporary. Life will get easier, you will gain confidence in your mothering skills, and your love for your baby will grow and grow. You’ve got this, mama!
Do you have anything you would add to this list? Tell all the pregnant mamas what to expect in the comments below!
