How I Overcame my Fear of Childbirth
Photo by Katie Lauren Photography
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I remember the exact moment my fear of childbirth began. I was 15 years old, sitting in my tenth grade health class, when my teacher explained that, in childbirth, a woman’s cervix dilated to “the size of a coffee can.” No, thank you. I decided then that I would never put my body through that kind of suffering.
For about ten years after that day, I swore I would be adopting my children in the future. Of course, media depictions of childbirth as an excruciating medical emergency further cemented my fears. Even seeing photos of births was horrifying to me. Besides, I had never had a hospital stay before and felt pretty anxious about hospitals, so the whole event sounded scary to me.
Then I met my now-husband, and things started to change. I began to feel a desire to have biological children with him, and we loved speculating about what our kids would look like. I felt a strong desire to be pregnant and it just felt right.
After one very early miscarriage, we found out we were expecting again in the winter after our wedding. I was absolutely thrilled to be pregnant, but every time the thought of actually giving birth came into mind, I felt a sense of panic and forced myself to just stop thinking about it. By the end of the first trimester, I realized that birth was inevitable and it was time for me to come to terms with my fears and try to abolish them.
I decided that the rest of my pregnancy would be a journey to overcome my fears, but I did more than that: I learned to embrace and love childbirth. Here’s how I did it:
I attended a virtual birth circle. A friend was hosting a birth circle and invited me to attend. The group was made up of pregnant women, new moms, and seasoned moms, and those who had given birth shared their birth stories. Some mothers had wonderful, happy birth stories. Some mothers had birth stories that were so traumatic, they had decided not to have more children. Hearing a range of birth stories was helpful for me, because I started to understand that birth could go an infinite number of ways and that I could only control so much of it. Yes, some stories were hard to hear, but some were beautiful. It gave me a lot to process and a place to ask questions, and was a good starting point.
I learned all about physiological birth. “Physiological birth” is essentially how birth unfolds naturally without our many modern day interventions. Learning about physiological birth helped me to really understand that birth is not usually a medical emergency; it’s something that my body is designed to do naturally. If my body is made to do it, it couldn’t be as terrifying as I thought. One fantastic resource for learning about physiological birth is Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin is a homebirth midwife, and her book includes tons of homebirth stories. By the end of that book, I was in wonder at what the female body can do.
I talked to friends about their births. I started asking mom friends about their births. This was helpful in a way similar to the birth circle, but was a little intimate since I really knew these moms well and could ask a lot of questions. People are often willing to talk pretty openly about their births.
I decided to give birth at home. Everyone should be able to birth where they feel safest and most comfortable. I decided around the beginning of my second trimester that I wanted to deliver my baby at home. I already had negative associations with hospitals, which contributed to my fears of childbirth, but hearing so many positive homebirth stories and researching homebirth and medical interventions really solidified that decision (you can read more about that here). Once I switched to homebirth care, I felt a lot more peace about giving birth. At my 90-minute prenatal appointments, my midwife and I talked in great depth about my concerns and it was incredibly helpful and therapeutic.
I listened to podcasts. Lots of podcasts. I listened to so many podcasts. At this point, I was a little obsessed with birth stories (I still love listening to them!). Some podcasts I loved were Happy Homebirth and Doing It At Home. Evidence Based Birth also has a lot of interesting and up-to-date research on every topic related to birth; check out their podcast and their website, which helped inform a lot of my decision-making around birth and pregnancy interventions.
I practiced Hypnobirthing. I believe that any kind of birth-specific meditation practice is so important for mental preparation, just to get these positive affirmations and associations embedded in your subconscious. It can really change your feelings around birth. I did Hypnobirthing when I was pregnant with Isla and Hypnobabies when I was pregnant with Leo and I was very diligent about listening to the meditation tracks every night. They have the added benefit of helping you sleep which is such a struggle during pregnancy. Honestly, I didn’t really apply the techniques during childbirth either time but it absolutely helped me prepare in the months before so I could go into childbirth with a positive mindset.
I took the Mama Natural Birth Course. I’m a big Mama Natural fan, including her book and website. This course is so helpful regardless of where you plan to give birth and includes a bunch of birth videos to really help you mentally prepare for what’s ahead. My husband completed the whole course with me, including watching the videos, which I think is extremely important for partners, as they usually have fears around birth as well. (I also feel like if you’re going to be the one giving birth, the least they can do is complete a course, but I digress.)
Let me just say that adoption is a beautiful option and I would definitely be interested in it if I were unable to have biological children. But I’m glad that I didn’t end up choosing adoption from a place of fear. I invested quite a bit of time and a little money into overcoming my fear of childbirth, and it was so incredibly worth it for my family. I have had two beautiful births and have nothing but fond memories of those days. After delivering each baby, I wrote very detailed birth stories and put them in my kids’ baby books (you can read an abridged version of Isla’s birth story here) and I still love listening to other people’s birth stories. Childbirth can be such an empowering experience, and wherever you are in your journey to one day giving birth, it’s worth spending some time on your mindset. I promise, you can do it!
